Mommy's night alone

So the husband is away for five days and this is on the heels of no less than three business trips in the past month, so I felt that I deserved a night alone.  I asked the in-laws to take Cass overnight and of course they said yes because they're awesome.  I set up a nail appointment, an acupuncture appointment, and a dinner date with my girlfriend...then at some point during the nail appointment everything went south.  My belly started acting up for the first time in several months...that's saying something because this used to be a regular event.  I got home just in time to just about die on the toilet.  WTF.  I canceled my acupuncture appointment because it was in like 10 minutes and I was afraid to leave the house.  I waited to see if I'd feel better for dinner, but was afraid to venture more than 5 minutes from home so I canceled that too.  So much for my night out.  I rented a movie that I knew the hubs wouldn't watch and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  I've been watching TLC and FYI and Bravo since it ended...in my comfies.  Maybe the night turned out just as it should have...but I'm still pissed off at my tummy.  Just for the record.  I was going to put a dress on tonight.  Sheesh.

Mexican food

Apparently I have a problem...when Mexican food is in front of me, I overeat.  Last week we made tacos and I had five.  FIVE.  Then this past weekend my Mom and I went to a Mexican place for dinner and I ate like crazy.  They made guacamole tableside and it was accompanied by these delicious fresh chips.  I could have eaten the whole bucket of chips but I held back because I'm a lady.  A dainty lady (yeah right).  Then my fajitas came and I filled those suckers up with all the deliciousness in front of me and I ate all four.  I was seriously full after that but I thought the walk back to the room would help.  Nope.  Not a bit.  I was so uncomfortable all that night and barely slept.  I thought going to the bathroom would help.  Nope.  My stomach has been messed up all week since I did that.  Oye.  So uncomfortable.  And bloated.  And gross.  Gotta be more careful next time!

Quick update

I'm so terrible at keeping up with a blog.  That's why my last one went to shit...my apologies to Cassie.  It's just that I get so tired and don't feel like writing.  Let's try to get an update in here...

My hands are getting so much better.  For a while my knuckles were so swollen and red and purple...now they're almost back to normal.  I even grew a synovial cyst that I named Fred.  Well Fred is disappearing and I'm happy about it.  Fred has come and gone over the years but I honestly didn't think he'd go away this time.  I think the combination of acupuncture and an increase in Methotrexate did the trick.  I actually changed from oral to injectable MTX and although I'm not so keen on doing another injection, apparently it's better absorbed so you get more for your money.  That's fine by me.

My rheumatologist called me last week and left me a voicemail saying he was calling to have a "general conversation."  He's only called me to answer my own call, so I didn't know what that meant.  Then he tried calling again.  On a Sunday.  Left a message.  Last night he tried again and got me this time...he dropped the bombshell that he's retiring at the end of the summer.  I've been with this guy for about 15 years.  My goodness.  He said he didn't want me to hear the news from the letter he's sending out since he's known me so long.  I actually think it's a good thing because I feel like I need some fresh eyes on my situation.  We'll meet in a couple weeks to discuss where I should go, who I should see.  

My chest pain issue is also starting to go away...whatever the fuck that was, it sucked for a good long time.  It's been three months...  It was gone for a few days, but started to creep back at the end of last week.  Go away you little bugger!  

That's that for now...back to my glass of wine!

Going it alone

My husband is away for work this week.  He travels often for work, typically a couple trips a month.  He's been doing this for our whole relationship (17 years this summer) so this is nothing new, but it's gotten harder to deal with as I've gotten sicker and since we had a child.  Every time he goes away I strive to keep everything going the way it would if there were two of us here.  I have a hard time just letting things slide...  Unfortunately taking on extra physical work in the house and with our daughter, getting less sleep while he's gone, and trying to keep up with work usually has  a bad effect.  I tend to flare just after his trips.  Needless to say every time he announces a new trip a little anxiety attack sets in.  I've gotten a little better with asking for help...from him and from others.  I try to have him clean up the house and prep for meals before he goes away.  I also try to get some extra help from my in laws or sitters or my family while he's gone.  That helps to make it a little better, but I'd still rather him just be here.  Life would be easier.

Diet

One of the suggestions made by many people, both in healthcare and not, has been to change my diet.  I've tried diet changes before and was uninspired.  However I know changes are necessary.  Due to newfound food allergies, I have been avoiding most sesame, sunflower, and almond products.  This was hard because I like almonds and they are in a lot of dairy-free products.  Speaking of dairy-free, it has also been recommended that I avoid dairy, gluten, sugar, alcohol, and many other inflammatory foods and products.  Torture.  I'm a food person and I find these restrictions really difficult.  I've made changes to easy things, but others are harder.  I find a lot of the so-called substitute products hard to swallow (so to speak).  But some are good and worth the extra money and effort.  I've also been trying to eat more whole foods and avoid processed food...although the two boxes of girl scout cookies I got recently are making that tough!  Right now I'm going for the 80/20 rule and allowing a certain number of "cheats" per day to make it a little easier and more realistic.  Maybe someday I'll hit 100%...

January

I felt like I was dying.  That sounds dramatic, but there's no other way to put it.  My body was breaking down piece by piece. Last year I got gastritis which forced me to make medication changes that eventually caused the rheumatoid arthritis to worsen.  That change in the RA forced me to restart Methotrexate, essentially ending my quest for a second child.  Depression set in.  Migraines came on in a new way that was absolutely sickening.  All of these changes were making it difficult to work, take care of Cassie, and be an active part of my marriage, family, and friends.  Life went on but it was the most difficult time for me since 2009 when my RA had last flared out of control.  I knew something had to change, but I wasn't sure what.  I didn't want to die, but I was hoping for death.  I didn't know a way out.

The night before Thanksgiving, I ran into the head of the acupuncture practice I used to go to.  I told him that I had been meaning to call him for a year and he said well why didn't you?  I think I was so sick that I was unable to reach out.  So I vowed to get through the holidays and then call and I really did!  I went back to acupuncture in January and this started my twisty bumpy road to health and happiness.  (See what I did there?)  He was shocked that I had been going along at the level that I was.  He said he would have been taken down to his knees if his body were where my body was.  My assessment was really scary and all sorts of things were out of whack.  I started going for treatments three times a week and have continued doing so ever since.  I'm still having a very rough time, but I can tell some things are getting better.  Fingers crossed that the improvement continues...

The other day my acupuncturist suggested that I start journaling through a blog so that I can find some peace.  He also thought this could potentially help others someday, others who are going through similar situations.  There have been some dark times and if I can help someone else, I'm more than willing to do so.  During my treatment that day I came up with this silly blog name.  I'm hoping I can keep writing entries until I'm at a point where I feel like myself again.